There are very few people who on their wedding day expect to be divorced within the foreseeable future, but for a great many couples that is exactly what happens. Nearly 50% of married couples will divorce, with the most common duration for a marriage being just five years. The divorce rate is highest amongst those in their late twenties, many of whom will have very small children. The news is even worse for those re-marrying with two thirds of second marriages ending in divorce (1). Although divorce can be a very damaging process for the adults involved, the most severe consequences are felt by their children, a disproportionate number of whom will go on to experience difficulties at school and separations and divorces of their own (2).

However, divorce does not have to be a negative experience. While it will always signal an ending and involve feelings of loss which must be addressed by everyone involved, it can also be the beginning of something better if it is properly navigated and the necessary lessons learned.

At The Centre for Integrated Therapies, we are committed to making divorce a transformative, not a destructive, experience. There is a great deal to be learned in the breakdown of a relationship which if properly applied can lead to real personal growth and improved life strategies going forward. By managing a divorce proactively, parents can do a great deal to offset the damage to their children and can model for them new ways of interacting which may help them build more productive relationships in the future. We do not intend to replace a solicitor whose role is to ensure you are properly informed about your legal rights, rather to help couples find common ground from which they can make mutually respectful decisions about the future for them and their children.

With this in mind we have developed our program 'Making Divorce a Beginning Not Just an End'  to help ensure that couples can work together to create positive outcomes for their family during the most stressful of times. One of the outcomes of this program is the creation of a set of agreements which can be used when discussing your divorce settlement with a solicitor. It is hoped that where possible couples will attend this program together and may be joined by their children for some sessions. Please note, this programi s intended for those couples who have decided to separate or divorce, for those undecided about the future for their relationship joint or individual psychotherapy sessions would be more appropriate.

Our program in 'Making Divorce a Beginning Not Just an End' has the following sessions:

1. The reasons for divorce. Is the decision to divorce a mutual one? How does each party feel about the decision to divorce. Is there agreement that this is the best course of action?

2. Creating a safe space. How can we ensure that everyone feels safe during the divorce process? Are there any physical safety concerns and how can they be addressed? What are the social, emotional and financial safety concerns of all parties, including the children?

3. Creating boundaries. What are the vulnerable points for each party. What are the rules of engagement in the different phases of the process? What contact should there be between the parties? How can family activities continue without conflict?

4. Continuing to parent, part 1. How do the children in the family feel about the decision to divorce? What are their fears and concerns? What things most affect children involved in a divorce and how can they be minimised?

5. Continuing to parent, part 2. Where will the children live? How will they maintain their relationship with each parent? How will disagreements be resolved without requiring them to take sides? What do they want? How will you continue to be a family after the divorce?

6. Finances. How can assets be divided fairly? Why financial settlements should not be used as a vehicle for revenge. What are the financial responsibilities of both sides going forwards and how can they be negotiated?

7. The extended family. What is the role of the extended family in the divorce? What part if any have they had to play in the relationship breakdown? How can the extended family relationship be preserved and why does it matter?

8. Pets and property. What belongs to who? How can disputes about jointly owned property be resolved? Who gets the dog? Why an argument about  a coffee table can reveal the key to the relationship breakdown.

9. Re-partnering rules.  How will re-partnering impact on the divorce process? What are the rules for introducing partners to the children? What are the golden rules for preserving the original family in a blended family? What are the rules all new partners should know?

10. What comes next. What are the life lessons each party can take from the process? What gifts has their marriage given them? What new skills will each party take into their next relationship? Can we be friends?

 

To enrol in this program please contact us at the clinic on 01225 316670 or email us at mail@centreforintegratedtherapies.com.

 

 

(1) - Office for National Statistics data.

(2) - Elliott, J. and Vaitilingam, R. ed. 'Key Findings From The National Child Development Study - Now we are 50'. 2008.